Source: funnytweeter.com
- Johns white house,you got the dough, we got the hoe.
- Hello Immigration service, you report em’ we deport em.
- Jim’s abortion clinic you rape em we scrape em.
- Westroad sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it.
- Sawyers sperm bank you jack it we back it.
- Hello children’s hospital,you beat em we treat em.
- Chucks disposable dildos f*ck em, suck em, and Chuck em.
Funny ways to answer the phone!
Ba dum tsss
Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Friend: Why?
Me: To get to your house!
Friend: ........
Me: Knock-Knock
Friend: Who's there?
Me: THE CHICKEN!
Friend: ........
There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, “I’ll stay! God will save me!”
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said “Come on mate, get in!”
“No” replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.”
No, God will save me!” he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!”
The Most Stupid Man On Earth
Caught Speeding
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, ‘Where in the hell have you been?’ Larry replies, ‘I was out getting a tattoo.’ A tattoo? She frowned. ‘What kind of tattoo did you get?’ ‘I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,’ he said proudly. ‘What the hell were you thinking?’ she said, shaking her head in disdain. ‘Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?’ ‘Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!’
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